They Made a Flying Monkey Out of Me
Greetings! My name is Monty. Yeah yeah, I know, Monty who?, you're thinking. My name doesn't ring any bells, I'm sure. You've probably watched The Wizard of Oz a million times and the name Monty doesn't mean anything to you. I get it. But I've decided it's my turn to tell the story you don't know, all the little things that went on in that witch's castle nobody has told you. But man, I lived it! Do you have any idea what it's like to be a flying monkey? Even the term gives people chills. Hey, I know. We were the bad guys, hated by little kids and grownups alike. Too bad you people don't know what it was like. That's where I come in. Sit back and I'll tell you The Wizard of Oz from my perspective.
Okay, first of all that Wicked Witch of the West treated us like crap. Some people would have considered us cute little monkey pets, but not her! Oh no, we were just her little servants, her little fetch it guys. "Fetch my broomstick! Fetch my pointed hat! Fetch my nose hair clippers!" And the stuff she fed us? Mushy brown bananas, cat food, and pretty much any crappy leftovers rotting around the castle.
So, as I said, I'd like to tell you the story of Dorothy, Toto, and the rest of her gang the way it really went down. Please don't believe everything you've ever read about that Dorothy. Sweet and innocent little Kansas girl, my ass! She was a tramp. The minute we brought her back to the castle (as commanded) she started flirting with all the guards! Fake crying about getting back to her precious Aunty Em, boo hoo, yeah, I don't believe a word of it. I know what she was really whispering in their ears. Ya know, the witch really locked the chick up in a room by herself because she couldn't keep her slutty little hands to herself.
And then those three friends of hers showed up--the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion. Those guys were the ones the other monkeys and I roughed up in the haunted forest. Now that was a blast. Imagine us monkeys beating up a lion! King of the Jungle. Yeah, what a wuss. He went down so easy I'm embarrassed to tell you. Why that little mutt Toto put up more of a fight than the lion. Growling and biting. Man, he grabbed onto my leg and wouldn't let go. But that Tin Man? We sure kicked his can. And of course the big bag of straw was no challenge at all. We just ripped him apart, scattered him here and there and then flew off with Dorothy and her doggy.
Now our boss, the Wicked Bitch herself, said there'd be a reward for bringing back the tramp and her little mutt. Yeah sure! Some reward we got. A kick in the rump and all the rotten bananas we could eat. But I digress. I was telling you about the three gang members showing up to rescue Dottie. I heard them whispering to each other in one of the hallways. They were arguing over which one was going to play hide the banana with Dorothy. The Tin Man warned the Scarecrow if he tried to make out with Dorothy that'd be the last straw. The scarecrow told the Tin Man that Dorothy wouldn't want a heavy metal, hard-nosed dude like him. And the two of them told the Lion little Dorothy wouldn't want to be seen in the company of a big fat coward like him. So while they were arguing, I scampered off to tell my boss, her Wickedness, that the enemy had penetrated the castle walls. I figured that would earn me bonus points. Instead, what did she do? Gave my tail a yank and screamed at me for breaking ranks! Bitch! Ya try to do someone a favor.
So, to make a long story short, after my fabulous, but unappreciated tip, the green-faced guards (who seriously needed facials and about a year's supply of acne scrub) surrounded the enemies on all sides. Our wicked leader came forth and greeted (read that threatened) the intruders. Now, here I want to tell you what really happened. Yeah, yeah, I know you'll say I'm making this up. I assure you, I am not. Just as the Scarecrow's arm was burning due to that wicked witch, I spotted a bucket of water up on a shelf. I have magnificent vision if I do say so myself. So I jumped up into the air, grabbed that bucket and tossed it in the direction of the Scarecrow's burning arm. But folks, putting out that fire was really just gravy. Ya see, I was really aiming for my boss, The Wicked Witch. How I wanted her to die! Years of cruelty and injustice will make a monkey turn wicked, will make him do anything. And it worked! That water splashed all over her body and she melted into nothing but the crappy black outfit she never changed out of for all the years I'd known her.
So, there you have it, that's what really happened. I, Monty the Monkey, am the true hero of The Wizard of Oz. Don't believe any other version 'cause I'm telling you what really went down. After the melting of our evil leader, my fellow flying monkeys and the ugly green guards bowed down to me. They said, "All hail, Monty. The Wicked Witch is dead!"
And now that I was no longer forced to hunt down and destroy the witch's enemies, I showed the world the compassion that lived in me by sparing Dorothy and her gang members. Handing the girl the witch's broomstick, I told her to go taking a flying you know what back to Kansas. She and her buddies scampered out of there like a bunch of scared and twitchy little squirrels.
As for me, I was crowned Monty, the Magnificent, King of the Castle. No one would ever again make a flying monkey out of me!