Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Seven Surefire Ways To Lose Weight This Year

1. Go to the gym.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Oh no, not a gym membership! I’ll go once and never go back again. How on earth is this method ever going to work? Simple. What you’re going to do is WALK to the gym! That’s right. Even if it’s 50 miles away. Walk all the way to the gym and once you get there, walk all the way home again. That should help shed some pounds.

2. Tape a photo of one of those perfect-bodied Victoria’s Secret models onto your refrigerator door.

Or multiple photos, if you want. Yes, a refrigerator adorned with a montage of perfectly sculpted beach bodies might just be the ticket to total fitness in 2012. Why? ‘Cause every time you’re tempted to open up the fridge and grab a handful of fried chicken, darn it all, one of those babes will look you in the eye, admonishing, “You’re eating again? Piggy!”
Of course, you’ll slink away in embarrassment.

3. Tape a naked photo of YOURSELF on the fridge.

No explanation needed.

4. Buy yourself a dog that runs really, really fast (such as a greyhound or a whippet) and take it for a nice walk at least 3 times a day.

Did you know the whippet is the fastest dog on earth? Take your whippet out onto the bike path and perhaps he’ll take YOU for a nice long walk (make that RUN).

5. Run for President of the United States.

Hey, it IS an election year, right? Might as well throw your hat into the ring and run as an Independent. Some of the candidates ain’t looking all that great, anyways. Since it’s sure to be stressful and hectic out there on the campaign trail, with long days and nights, you probably won’t have time to eat anything.

6. Buy a whole bunch of bigger, baggier clothes.

What we’re going for here is the illusion of weight loss. An acquaintance sees you at the grocery store in your oversized shirt and says, “Wow, that shirt is just hanging off you, girl! Have you lost weight?”

And finally, if all else fails there’s this one:

7. Have your lips surgically sewn together.

Nothing beats this one! If the food can’t get into the mouth, the fat can’t get onto the hips. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Happy New Year!


  1. I can't see taping the pictures. My wife wouldn't like it and my kids would be afraid to bring friends home. :-)

  2. Hold a nickel between your lips. *grin*

  3. I cringed at the idea of taping a picture of my naked self to the fridge.

  4. I have a greyhound and she drags butt on our walks more than me. lol!